Bread plaque for intro to breads.

Be kind to yourself...

Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. –Max Ehrmann

This is something I really struggle with. Anyone who knows me knows my negative thoughts are my worst enemy. There is nothing anyone else can say that I have not already said to myself 100 times over at some point.

Since being away at school I have really been struggling with feeling defeated, lonely and just completely run down. I have managed to not let it bring my grades down. Quite the contrary because of these challenges I have tried even harder with my studies and have managed to keep a 4.0 so far. Of course in my head that just isn’t good enough. I have tried very hard to not let anyone know just how much I am struggling but today I broke down a little and I’m glad that I did. I was chatting with my parents and they reminded me of something very important. They told me to think back to where I was just 1 year ago today.

I was living in an independent living facility for adults with mental illness barely able to function because of side effects from medication. I had a full body Parkinson’s like tremor and struggled with the most basic daily functions of routine life that so many, including myself, take for granite. Just 1 year ago I could not have even entertained going to school, or working or enjoy the simplest things in life like being creative and enjoying the company of friends and loved ones. All I could think of was when is this going to end and even tried to bring that end a little closer.

I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others and where they are in their lives. I get down on myself that I have not had the successes and happiness’s that they enjoy. I fall into the trap of telling myself that I am a failure because I do not have what they have, but I have been reminded once again that I also did not start out where they have.

The successes I have had are entirely unique to me and what I needed to experience to be who I am. I would not change them.

My point is this…Be kind to yourselves. Your experiences, no matter how negative, are yours and your alone. They make you unique and specially qualified for your very own unique destiny. No one can do it for you. There is only one you and your purpose is yours alone.

Have a good laugh today everyone!

Look Out World!

It's Official! As of today I am enrolled at the Pennsylvania Culinary Institute/Le Cordon Bleu in Pittsburgh PA. Financial Aid is set-up now I just have to set-up the housing. Classes start Jan. 5 2010.

I just submitted my preference for class schedule.

Mmmmmm pickled Eggs...

When do I get to just put it away?

I am really struggling with a difficult decision. I love my job. I cannot deny that I have an amazing opportunity. An opportunity to give the pains and trauma I have faced meaning. I am extremely grateful to those who have stood by me as I caused them pain after pain. I am also grateful to those who helped me see that my life could take an all together different direction. I know I am in this position for a reason and I think that is why I am struggling with the feelings I am having at the moment.

So here is my dilemma. When does one say enough is enough? My entire existence has revolved around the heartache of being violated. For so long I was stuck in that victim mind set and when I clawed my way out of it I felt wonderful but because part of my job is to identify with the pain of others I never have had the opportunity to just put my pain away. I will never forget that pain but I would like to just neatly fold it and put it in the drawer. Free to be taken out when necessary on occasion but not constantly dangled on front of me.

I want so much to just be creative and happy and not have to constantly be reminded of those dark dark years. Is it wrong of me to feel this way? I could really use some input from people I trust.

Shawn's Jungle Party!

Just finished this for a high school buddies little boy.