Writings from the Looney Bin

Hi All! For those of you that don't know I was just discharged fromt he hospital yesterday. I have to say this visit was by far the most productive. For those that dont know, I have struggled with depression since early on in high school. I have been on almost any psych med that you can name. As recent as 2 years ago I was on as many as 12 medications. I am down to 1 psych medication. I am the most alert and happy I have been in years. I am no longer on anxiety medication which I believe was actually the cause of my tremor. I still am a little shakey but it is better than it was when I admitted myself a week and a half ago. During my stay I caught what they call the NoroVirus and was on contact and droplet isolation for 5 days. I was not allowed out of my room. During that time I wrote. Some of it I think is rather funny and some of it some of it is of a sensitive nature but all of it is pure emotion. So here we go...

Day 1 of isolation...

I wish I had grace

and not the kind of grace that means you obey the rules.

not demure or proper.

I want the kind of grace

that enables you to hold your head up in the face of adversity.

I want to be able to see my predicament

and not be turned to tears.

Just see it as something that will build character.

I'm tired of living this way.

There has to be something better.

I know there is.

I used to have it and I want it back.

Day #2

I want so much to be free of this cage.

Day #3

The chamber maid

they enter the room I made up.

the room I quietly leave

as they make thmeselves busy.

they enter and I dissappear.

only returning when they are gone,

to pick up the mess and make up the room again

for the next ones

who will never know I wasnt there

they are on me but im not there.

Day #4 A day of clarity

Talked to Miranda today.

Do you know what it is like to be jealous of a 4 yr old?

to look at her happy life and know

You should have had that too?

but you didn't.

she is protected in ways you were not

and because of that you write poetry

that disturbs the quiet minds...

peaceful minds...

minds that have not been broken.

I wonder at times

like these

who I would be

and I realize that although

I was not protected

I have been "gifted"

to know the mind of a survivor is only to have lived it.

I would not trade for the tinyest tinkling of childish laughter.

My mind is open

sometimes to harsh realities

but with that comes the power to heal.

and that you cannot trade.

this is my purpose.

Day #5

breaking point.

these things inside,

threaten to split beside me

and all my secrets unfurl.

My thoughts haunt

and deeds undo me

as i struggle for breath in this world.

I cant seem to shake

this narled feeling

that ive been here before.

but every one runs

like colors in the wash

when i try to make sense of it.

I just cant seem to make sense of it.

So there you have it. It seems that the fog just lifted off after that and am just coping with the withdrawl from the ativan. I feel I am more purely ME than I have ever been and I actually like who I have turned out to be. I am "strong like bull" as one of the nurses put it.

Not feeling very graceful.

So the other day I was playing on Careerbuilder and uploaded my recent resume. I expected nothing from it. To my surprise I have been getting calls almost daily offering interviews. I find this very frustrating. I feel as if mentally I am back to my functional level. I want to work but my body doesnt want to cooperate. Since June I have been experiencing what the Dr's are calling involuntary movements. My muscles go rigid, almost spasming. I saw a neurologist. He says it's "just" anxiety. Beyond the "spasms" I have been having increasingly worse muscle pain, stiffness, kind of a achey flu feeling along with being down right exhausted all the time. I shared this with a friend and he mentioned Fibromyalgia. I didn't give it much thought until I started noticing commercials for a drug called Lyrica which treats fibromyalgia. The woman in the commercial pretty much explained what was happening with me so I went and saw my PCP today. He agrees that I could be suffering from it and wrote me a script for Lyrica. (usually he would have given samples but he didnt have any.) So I have my diagnoses and a slip of paper for a very expensive medication that could possibly help me, however I havent the economic ability to get the meds. In case you havent noticed this is a bit of a rant and I apologize. I just find it extremely frustrating that I finally am getting answers and just might have the solution in hand but because it is a brand name the drug company isnt really making it available to the peoople unless you have a JOB and INSURANCE to pay for it. If I had the medication I could get a JOB and INSURANCE which is really what it all boils down to. I want to work but everywhere I turn there is another brick in the wall blocking my way to true independence. So my next step is to go to Pfizer and ask for help. Who knows how long that will take.

I had the extreme pleasure of accompanying a very good friend of mine to the Lehigh Valley Bridal show on Sunday. Let's just say it reminded me of just how much I miss working and how much I love having a hand in making peoples most memorable day that much more memorable. Valerie & Juan have invited me to plan their big day and I am elated. This is just what I need right now.

It doesnt hurt that the both of them are Beautiful. It just makes things so easy. Cant wait to really get into the nitty gritty work of creating center pieces, favors, invitations, cake design and everything else that goes with the job. I'm so excited. I just hope I meet thier expectations. The deserve the absolute best.

My Angel Experience

August of 2004 was a very dark time for me. Even though my sister Pammy was pregnant after having a very difficult time concieving, I found myself living in a world filled with dark thoughts. Each challenge that presented itself seemed to me to be another sign that I wasn't meant to be in this world. After a particularly difficult day at work I was staying over at a close friends house. After he fell asleep I found myself laying awake in the spare room being bombarded with self destructive thoughts. Up until that moment I had always been able to argue reasons for me to keep living. This night I was losing the battle and then finally resolved myself to what I believed the fates wanted. I sat on the floor and swallowed all of my prescriptions. I sat there for a little then decided to make a half hearted effort to wake my friend. He awoke alert and prepared to help. This is the point things go wonky for me. At first it all went black then slowly lightstarted to filter into my vision. It was like when you see the sun shining through an opening of trees and then I suddenly felt someone take me by the hand. I looked to right and the most beautiful woman was there. The strange thing was was that I knew her. This was not just some woman. This was my Niece. The one waiting to be born. She was very kind and her voice was like the tinkling of a small stream. I could not take my eyes off her and as I watched a single tear fell from her eye. I asked why she was sad. She said she was sad because she felt my pain and understood my actions but that I had to go back. I began to cry, not understanding, I wanted to remain with her. She explained that I couldn't stay. That in 3 days she would be born and that she needed me on earth with her. I was so confused. Why would she of all people need me. She explained that once she was born the veil between worlds would be in place and that she needed me, her Aunt to hold her hand and walk her through her life in the world. And she was gone. And 3 days later she came just as she promised. I'm still waiting for the day she needs me. It always seems to be the other way around. Her leading me. Like in this picture. The day we were both discharged from the hospital. It looks as if she is telling me all the secrets of the world. And let me tell you. that's how it feels at times. Her big blue eyes just so full of love and understanding. She is 4 now and everyday I remember that single tear spilt just for me and my pain.

My San Fran trip 2008

Before clicking play go down to my music playlist and pause it.

When I left San Francisco over a year ago it was with a heavy heart. I loved the city and my Best friend Jeremy I would be leaving behind, but because of economics I found myself headed back to PA. Well this past November I was able to go back and visit the city and friend that I love and gain some closure. I hope you enjoy the little movie I put together from the Pictures that I took.

fynn

The Night Sky

When I was setting up my profile I found this neat section where it gives you a random question. Most of them are pretty tough but I found one that I really liked about the night sky.

If you could peer far enough into the night sky, you'd see a star in any direction you looked. When would you sleep?
I wouldnt. Some say that looking at the night sky makes them feel small. I look at it and it makes me feel like I am part of something bigger, grander than my tiny imagination can conjure.

Validation and a Miracle

I remember when Abram was born. I was working at St.Lukes Hospital and I hadnt yet been diagnosed with depression, bi-polar or PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). I had very minimal exposure to children with special needs so I really didn't know what to expect. I remember that I was going through a particularly hard time because I had memories of what had happend to me but I hadnt told any of my family. We recieved word that Abram was born and was flown to the Childrens Hospital of Philadelphia. The night before we went down to Philly Pammy and I stayed over at Joni and Buckie's. ( I think our wood floor was being refinished so we couldn't be at the house.) Any way, Pammy and I were sharing a bed and we were laying in bed talking about things from when we were growing up. I finally got up the nerve and told the edited version of what I remembered. I remember her saying that she believed me because Clifford Demery was a very troubled kid. It felt so good to be validated.

When we got down to Philly we went straight to the hospital. I remember seeing my Abram for the first time. So innocent , so pure. I knew that he was special in so many ways. Lori set me up to hold him for the first time. She put him in my arms and I looked down at him and I remember feeling for the first time in a long time a quiet peace. I felt purpose.

Now a days Abram is 10 years old and we are the best of buds. During the summer when I was staying with Mom & Dad over a weekend I took Abram on a Rita's ice run and we had a blast.

What can I say He keeps me young at heart.