12.07.41

12.07.41

Name after name stands before me,

Etched in a marble wall.

Names that no longer have futures.

Drowned in fear,

Encased by metal,

Lungs filled with salt.

Name after name on white marble,

Set in stone,

Flag ever at half mast.

Name after name forgotten,

Family and friends already ash.

Their cries and knocking trapped under waves,

On the surface only calm,

Their echoes go unheard,

Only oil on water to show they are there.

No warning, no time to respond,

The radio code hangs on the air.

All that’s left are the names,

Futures fallen down in mid-flight,

Driven to the bottom,

Lost in the sand,

zeros and battleships rusting.

Just names,

Our boys are just names,

No longer spoken,

No longer heard,

Only flowered shirts pass by,

Bright petals glancing.

Fingertips brushing names,

But they are only names,

Nothing more than names.

VJ 5/24/10

Bread plaque for intro to breads.

Be kind to yourself...

Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. –Max Ehrmann

This is something I really struggle with. Anyone who knows me knows my negative thoughts are my worst enemy. There is nothing anyone else can say that I have not already said to myself 100 times over at some point.

Since being away at school I have really been struggling with feeling defeated, lonely and just completely run down. I have managed to not let it bring my grades down. Quite the contrary because of these challenges I have tried even harder with my studies and have managed to keep a 4.0 so far. Of course in my head that just isn’t good enough. I have tried very hard to not let anyone know just how much I am struggling but today I broke down a little and I’m glad that I did. I was chatting with my parents and they reminded me of something very important. They told me to think back to where I was just 1 year ago today.

I was living in an independent living facility for adults with mental illness barely able to function because of side effects from medication. I had a full body Parkinson’s like tremor and struggled with the most basic daily functions of routine life that so many, including myself, take for granite. Just 1 year ago I could not have even entertained going to school, or working or enjoy the simplest things in life like being creative and enjoying the company of friends and loved ones. All I could think of was when is this going to end and even tried to bring that end a little closer.

I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others and where they are in their lives. I get down on myself that I have not had the successes and happiness’s that they enjoy. I fall into the trap of telling myself that I am a failure because I do not have what they have, but I have been reminded once again that I also did not start out where they have.

The successes I have had are entirely unique to me and what I needed to experience to be who I am. I would not change them.

My point is this…Be kind to yourselves. Your experiences, no matter how negative, are yours and your alone. They make you unique and specially qualified for your very own unique destiny. No one can do it for you. There is only one you and your purpose is yours alone.

Have a good laugh today everyone!

Look Out World!

It's Official! As of today I am enrolled at the Pennsylvania Culinary Institute/Le Cordon Bleu in Pittsburgh PA. Financial Aid is set-up now I just have to set-up the housing. Classes start Jan. 5 2010.

I just submitted my preference for class schedule.

Mmmmmm pickled Eggs...

When do I get to just put it away?

I am really struggling with a difficult decision. I love my job. I cannot deny that I have an amazing opportunity. An opportunity to give the pains and trauma I have faced meaning. I am extremely grateful to those who have stood by me as I caused them pain after pain. I am also grateful to those who helped me see that my life could take an all together different direction. I know I am in this position for a reason and I think that is why I am struggling with the feelings I am having at the moment.

So here is my dilemma. When does one say enough is enough? My entire existence has revolved around the heartache of being violated. For so long I was stuck in that victim mind set and when I clawed my way out of it I felt wonderful but because part of my job is to identify with the pain of others I never have had the opportunity to just put my pain away. I will never forget that pain but I would like to just neatly fold it and put it in the drawer. Free to be taken out when necessary on occasion but not constantly dangled on front of me.

I want so much to just be creative and happy and not have to constantly be reminded of those dark dark years. Is it wrong of me to feel this way? I could really use some input from people I trust.

Shawn's Jungle Party!

Just finished this for a high school buddies little boy.

Sponge Bob Square Pants

Well it only took like 24 hours but I finally got it done to my satisfaction. I started on it last night about 8pm and finished at 7:30pm.

(I did take a break to sleep and pee so it was more like 12 hours.)

Saint Francis of Assisi Cake

My supervisor at work asked me to do a cake for her church. Saint Francis of Assisi is the patron saint of animals so they do a blessing of the animals where people can bring their pets in to be blessed. She asked if I could do a lion and a lamb laying together.

(NO TWILIGHT JOKES PLEASE!)

I thought it would be neat to do a stained glass effect. This is the end result.

The design is a combination of fondant and buttercream. Each piece is cut out seperately in fondant and then assembled and outlined in buttercream.

Lilly Pad Cake

Mom and I had our last Fondant & Gumpaste class tonight. We had to do a cake using the skills we learned. This was my end result.

Maybe I am where I am supposed to be.

I wonder sometimes if I am where I am supposed to be...and then the universe gives me a gentle reminder (sometimes not so gentle) that everything I have lived through has led me here and I wouldn't have it any other way. All the pain and heartache is now opening doors that just months ago were all locked and barricaded. Now and then I find myself entertaining the idea of going to school for something like graphic design or photography and then something happens as if to say "NO THAT IS NOT YOUR PATH".

In my job I get to meet and work with some of the coolest people. My fellow employees leave me in awe. Their devotion and dedication to the people they serve seems to be unending. But it is not just the employees that inspire me. On a daily basis I see people who have lost everything, people who from their first breath in this life were handed a raw deal, people who have every right to just give up and let their sorrows swallow them whole and for no apparent reason they wake up each morning and face the world that has so often beaten them down . . . and they smile.

There is just such a person in my building. A woman who in her later years of life lost everything and when she thought there was no more she could lose she lost more. This month is the anniversary of losing her mother, her father and every single earthly possession that all of us take for granted. Now take a second and think about that for a minute. When we lose a loved one it is of course difficult but we go on. Part of what helps us go on is that we have reminders of our loved ones around us.

Things we attach memories to. Imagine not only losing a loved one who cared for us and showered us with love but also losing every semblance of our life with that person and going from feeling safe and secure to living in a shelter with just the clothes on your back. Every thing that your life was, is now gone.

I cannot imagine the strength it must take for her to wake up in the morning. So, I find myself in a unique position. How do you teach someone to cope with the anger of losing so much. I do not want to take her anger away or make her feel bad for being angry. She has every right to be angry and anger is a very important part of the grieving process. I think the trick is to recognize that strong emotions like anger produce a lot of energy and if pointed in the right direction they can be great motivators in making positive changes in life but only if they are given a path. We are often taught in our society that anger is a negative thing and should be squashed down but when we do this all of that energy gets bottled up like heat in a corked up Vesuvius. If you let it, it will destroy you and very possibly those around you.

And that is exactly what happened. Vesuvius erupted.

Turns out all she needed was someone to talk to and a way to let off some steam. The things that she has gone through may be very different than mine but the emotions are very much the same. So, I thought to myself, when I am angry and restless what do I do to cope? I meditate and listen to music. So I made her some meditation CDs and some music and referred her to a great therapist.

I know that seems like a very “simple” solution and it isn’t the cure all but it is more than what she started with and is a step in the right direction. She loves the meditations I gave her. She says she is sleeping better and feels calmer and more relaxed. I can’t help but feel like I did something good.

My Home!

So I finally got some pictures taken of my new apartment. (New as of May 1st)

I love my apartment. It's just the right size for me and I have had fun decorating it and making it a cozy home. The only thing is I would love to paint but i'm not allowed and I would love to have a cat but i'm not allowed that either. I love living alone and working from home.

Anyway, this is my place.

This is my kitchen.

Bathroom

Dining/Craft area (still getting all my crafting supplies set up)

Office

Living Room (view 1)

Living Room (view 2)

My Bedroom & Spike

My Bedroom again

and My Bedroom again.

Turns out...I'm not a slob when I am out on my own.

Crystal's Dragon Birthday cake

It took about 3 hours of actual decorating time. With no dishwasher clean-up will be at least an hour. I have no clue how i'm going to get the tips clean. At least at moms I could just throw everything in the dishwasher (not that I ever did, mom always took pity on me and did it for me.) Wish mom were here now. (wink wink nudge nudge) just kidding (sort of)

My Dork is showing!

I found these at Walmart yesterday and nearly hyperventilated I was so excited.

In case you can't tell what they are or have never heard of them, they are the X-Men cartoons from around 1990. I used to come home from school everyday and watch these and the absolute best part is that the second one includes the 5 episodes that make up the Phoenix saga which is where I first learned the mythology of the Phoenix which I adopted as my power animal and pen name ie: fynnix. I'm sure most of you arent nearly as excited about this as I am.

Mom & Dad, now you know why my homework never got done.

.

I need a Kitteh Kat!

More Cat Humor!

Cat Humor Wednesday!

Ok so my supervisor showed me a hilarious website and I thought I would post some of my favorites from it.

Dawn, I found you a cat!

Don't we all have this kind of day now and then?