Hi All! For those of you that don't know I was just discharged fromt he hospital yesterday. I have to say this visit was by far the most productive. For those that dont know, I have struggled with depression since early on in high school. I have been on almost any psych med that you can name. As recent as 2 years ago I was on as many as 12 medications. I am down to 1 psych medication. I am the most alert and happy I have been in years. I am no longer on anxiety medication which I believe was actually the cause of my tremor. I still am a little shakey but it is better than it was when I admitted myself a week and a half ago. During my stay I caught what they call the NoroVirus and was on contact and droplet isolation for 5 days. I was not allowed out of my room. During that time I wrote. Some of it I think is rather funny and some of it some of it is of a sensitive nature but all of it is pure emotion. So here we go...
Day 1 of isolation...
I wish I had grace
and not the kind of grace that means you obey the rules.
not demure or proper.
I want the kind of grace
that enables you to hold your head up in the face of adversity.
I want to be able to see my predicament
and not be turned to tears.
Just see it as something that will build character.
I'm tired of living this way.
There has to be something better.
I know there is.
I used to have it and I want it back.
Day #2
I want so much to be free of this cage.
Day #3
The chamber maid
they enter the room I made up.
the room I quietly leave
as they make thmeselves busy.
they enter and I dissappear.
only returning when they are gone,
to pick up the mess and make up the room again
for the next ones
who will never know I wasnt there
they are on me but im not there.
Day #4 A day of clarity
Talked to Miranda today.
Do you know what it is like to be jealous of a 4 yr old?
to look at her happy life and know
You should have had that too?
but you didn't.
she is protected in ways you were not
and because of that you write poetry
that disturbs the quiet minds...
peaceful minds...
minds that have not been broken.
I wonder at times
like these
who I would be
and I realize that although
I was not protected
I have been "gifted"
to know the mind of a survivor is only to have lived it.
I would not trade for the tinyest tinkling of childish laughter.
My mind is open
sometimes to harsh realities
but with that comes the power to heal.
and that you cannot trade.
this is my purpose.
Day #5
breaking point.
these things inside,
threaten to split beside me
and all my secrets unfurl.
My thoughts haunt
and deeds undo me
as i struggle for breath in this world.
I cant seem to shake
this narled feeling
that ive been here before.
but every one runs
like colors in the wash
when i try to make sense of it.
I just cant seem to make sense of it.
So there you have it. It seems that the fog just lifted off after that and am just coping with the withdrawl from the ativan. I feel I am more purely ME than I have ever been and I actually like who I have turned out to be. I am "strong like bull" as one of the nurses put it.
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