I just can't seem to shake this funk I am in. I am trying to think of happy things and all that seems to come to memory is mistakes and people i've hurt. Some of you may know about my little obsession with the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Some of you may also know that there was a musical episode. Well, the lyrics from one of the songs just keeps running through my head. It goes "I touch the fire and it freezes me. I look into it and it's black. Why can't I feel? My skin should crack and peel. I want the fire back." It pretty much sums up how I am feeling. I know that my family loves me and I know I have a purpose but I am really struggling with my medical problems. None of the doctors seem to know what is going on. They all dismiss it as anxiety. If one more Dr. tells me to meditate I'm going to slap them. If I am anxious it is as a result of the tremor and muscle pain not the cause. My family PCP has referred me to a pain specialist. I dont really see how that will help but I'm going along with it in the hopes that if someone can see the lack of muscle control over an extended period of time they will have an idea of what is happening. It is keeping me from doing anything useful. I have tried to take my brothers suggestion and get out of the house. I can't run but I have tried to go for walks. I have managed to walk to the CVS two blocks away but barely. It is embarrassing. The best way I can explain it is it's kind of like restless leg syndrome but the entire body. If I try to sit and talk with someone I have to get back up. I can't sit still. Even as I am typing this I am standing. I stand, dance, or walk all day until it's time for bed. And then I usually just pass out from exhaustion and crying. I am trying so hard to stay positive but I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Sorry for the rant. Love Vj
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isJ9qbVelGI
p.s. speaking of fire. The guy downstairs set off the fire alarm so I just spent 20 minutes out in the snow storm so now I am just annoyed.
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4 comments:
I love my sister soooooooo much. I just had a really good cry on the phone with her and she is going to brave the storm in her 4 wheel drive to come get me so we can spend the day together. I need this soo much. Love you Pammy
Vjo,
I just started reading a book called The Peacegiver. The author's last name is Ferrell. He is an L.D.S. author. He teaches through parables how to heal ourselves, family and home. You might enjoy it. Love you.
Vickie
I'm so sorry you have such a heavy load right now. It sounds like you have waaaay too much on your plate. I'm glad you visited...and even happier that it made you smile! I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
Hey Vicky... For you chronic pain have you tried acupuncture? My dad suffered total body pain for a very long time and went to an acupuncturist and it took it way. I'm not sure if you tried this route, but if not its worth a shot.
Jess
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