A reason to smile!

First I want to thank everyone for thier support and love while I have been struggling with my medical problems. Yesterday was a breakthrough day for me. I was in absolute misery to the point that Ihad to call for an ambulance to take me to the ER. The muscle spasms were to the point that I was barely able to dress myself. I was having trouble catching my breath and had to struggle between spasms to answer the doctors questions. He was so patient and understanding. He was absolutely apalled that my doctors were dismissing my condition as anxiety. He asked if anyone had tried a medication called cogentin. I explained that they hadn't tried anything, so he gave me a shot. It took awhile to kick in but after about an hour the muscle pain and tension just seemed to melt away. He released me with a script for the same medication to be taken by mouth. I woke up this morning feeling almost completely free of muscle pain and spasms. I was actually able to ride in the car without any discomfort. I just looked up cogentin on WebMD. Turns out it is used to treat symptoms of Parkinsons and muscle spasms as a side effect from certain psychiatric medications. Now I wish someone could explain to me why none of the neurologists or psychiatrists could think of this when it only took one ER doctor who has never met me before to figure it out. I am soooooo excited. My life has been in a holding pattern for so long because of this and now my mind is racing with the possibilities that my future holds. One of my counselors has asked me if I want to participate in a peer counseling program. She wants me to share how I have managed to overcome my depression and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). It is amazing to me that just yesterday I was convinced that I was being punished and that God must hate me and just when I was ready to give up and couldn't take anymore He lets me know that he does love me and gives me a reason to hope.

"I used everything you gave me"

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me". --Erma Bombeck

Miranda's Secret Garden

by Vicky Jo Nuss

I touch the fire

I just can't seem to shake this funk I am in. I am trying to think of happy things and all that seems to come to memory is mistakes and people i've hurt. Some of you may know about my little obsession with the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Some of you may also know that there was a musical episode. Well, the lyrics from one of the songs just keeps running through my head. It goes "I touch the fire and it freezes me. I look into it and it's black. Why can't I feel? My skin should crack and peel. I want the fire back." It pretty much sums up how I am feeling. I know that my family loves me and I know I have a purpose but I am really struggling with my medical problems. None of the doctors seem to know what is going on. They all dismiss it as anxiety. If one more Dr. tells me to meditate I'm going to slap them. If I am anxious it is as a result of the tremor and muscle pain not the cause. My family PCP has referred me to a pain specialist. I dont really see how that will help but I'm going along with it in the hopes that if someone can see the lack of muscle control over an extended period of time they will have an idea of what is happening. It is keeping me from doing anything useful. I have tried to take my brothers suggestion and get out of the house. I can't run but I have tried to go for walks. I have managed to walk to the CVS two blocks away but barely. It is embarrassing. The best way I can explain it is it's kind of like restless leg syndrome but the entire body. If I try to sit and talk with someone I have to get back up. I can't sit still. Even as I am typing this I am standing. I stand, dance, or walk all day until it's time for bed. And then I usually just pass out from exhaustion and crying. I am trying so hard to stay positive but I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Sorry for the rant. Love Vj

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isJ9qbVelGI

p.s. speaking of fire. The guy downstairs set off the fire alarm so I just spent 20 minutes out in the snow storm so now I am just annoyed.

Mmmmm Cherry Cobler!

I am taking a short break from writing my novel and am making a cherry cobbler.

I have been craving it for weeks but needed to buy the corningwear to make it. I am slowly getting my little apartment set up. It is taking some time because I dont have an income right now but it's getting there. I am having fun pretending to be domestic. When I get things how I want them I will post some pictures.

Lucky Me!

I'm just sitting here trying to distract myself from the issues I have going by reading the blogs of my family members and I have to say that I am the luckiest person ever. I have the coolest people in my family. I find myself glowing with pride to be a Fitzsimmons. I hope all of you know how much I love you.

The ipod shuffle

I got this off facebook from Matt Osmond. Try it it's fun.

You need to copy/paste this into your own facebook note, delete my answers, and answer the questions using your own ipod.
1. put the ipod on shuffle
2. use it to answer the question
3. hit “next”
4. don't cheat
5. tag some of your friends so they'll do the same.

1. How am I feeling today?
No one is to blame- Howard Jones
2. How far will I get in life?
Take a chance on me- Erasure
3. What is my best friend’s theme song?
Ode to the sun- Dredg
4. What was high school like?
Your body is a wonderland- John Mayer
6. What is in store for me this weekend?
The Noose- A perfect circle (scary)
7. What is the best thing about me?
Heartbreaker- Pat Benatar
8. What song is about my parents?
Trynna Finda way- Nelly Furtado
9. How is my life going?
Beautiful Girl- INXS
10. What song will they play at my funeral?
In your Eyes- Peter Gabriel
11. How does the world see me?
The River- Live
12. What do my friends think of me?
She will be loved- Maroon5
13. Do people secretly think I’m good looking?
If I Never see your face- Maroon5
14. How can I make myself happy?
Heartache Tonight- Eagles
15. What should I do with my life?
Maneater- Nelly Furtado (too funny)
16. What is some good advice?
Magdelena- A perfect circle
17. Will I get married?
Say it right- Nelly Furtado
18. Where will I go in life?
Hit me with your best shot- Pat Benatar
19. Will I have kids?
Everything is everything- Lauren Hill
20. What is my current theme song?
Bug Eyes- Dredg (this one actually makes sense if you listen to the song)

Need to whine a little

For those of you who have been following this you already know that I have been struggling with some medical problems. When I was discharged from the hospital last week it was with the hope that the tremors or muscle spasms were the result of being on benzodiazapines like ativan for years and that going off them would eventually mean that those tremors would go away. I am trying to stay positive but I am afraid I am losing hope. I am exhausted, in pain and just want to rest. I've found that if I sit or lay down I am more aware of the pain so I just try to keep moving. I listen to music and I dance or pace the floor. I'm sure that i'm getting on my new roommates nerves but even as I am writing this I am standing and moving around anxiously. The only relief is when I take my meds at night and I cry myself to sleep only to wake up so stiff that I cant lift my head. I have to slowly rock myself to get up the momentum to get out of bed and then i'm up for rest of the day. I dont see my doctor until next week and even then I dont know if she will have any answers for me. I'm just hoping that she will have some kind of solution and if not I have to find I way to cope. My knee jerk reaction is to reach for the ativan but it was causing my depression so that isn't an option. It was the easy answer and I am proof that easy answers aren't necessarily the best answers. It's alot like what drug addicts experience when trying to get clean. After years of numbing everything emotions feel vibrant, real, and sometimes harsh but I would rather feel everything than feel nothing and be empty. I just wish I could rest a little.